Our Needs, His
Desire
The dating
site said they would match you with someone completely compatible with you. The
lie starts there. If you are honest and answered all the questions you might
never get a date. Fear, anxiety and loneliness will surely follow. The
compatibility questions go something like this. What do you enjoy more, walks
on the beach, hikes in the mountains, a football game on TV or a tear jerker
movie?
Your perfect
date would be, a romantic candlelight dinner, a good movie followed by a long
walk, a night at the bar shooting pool or crack climbing Devil’s Tower?
Today you
can find a dating site designed for people with similar interests. Cowboys,
extraterrestrials, conspiracy, old people, wine drinkers all focus on the same
thing. All focus on putting people together who like the same thing, no matter
what that ‘thing’ is.
Here’s the
problem and why these sites almost never work long term. If I am looking for
someone who likes mystery, bigfoot, astrologers who are Alabama fans then I am
looking for someone who I think pleases me. Therein lies the rub.
Since I am
being completely selfish in what I want, even when the ‘love of my life’ likes
the same things, once we move in together we find that our love is in love with
themselves just as much as we are. Even if we like the same things, sometimes
we won’t like them at the same time. Who ‘wins’? You want to go see the new
whodunit movie while your (in)significant other wants to watch the game.
Since you
based your whole love life on what you want, what happens when you don’t get
what you want?
Consider
Hosea in the Bible. Wait, what does the Bible have to do with my love life and
my happiness? Everything, if you claim to be a follower of Christ. Hosea was
such a follower and God told him to marry the prostitute Gomer. He knew her
past, so did everyone else. Marrying her was not in his ‘compatibility’
quotient. Hosea up to this point had been seen as an honorable man in society.
Gomer was the woman guys went to when they weren’t feeling to compatible with
their wives.
God had His
reasons. The reason for the marriage was so Israel would see just how they were
acting toward God. They were acting like Gomers and prostituting their love for
God with gods of their own making. That is exactly what we do when we try to
build our lives on what we want and not on what God wants. Our needs come
first. Our desires come first. In short, we become our own gods and the God who
created us takes a backseat, a co-pilot seat or gets kicked out of our lives
altogether.
More on
Hosea and Gomer.
But Christ
Jesus is the ultimate groom. He has perfect qualifications. He is exactly what
we need. He is kind, compassionate, loving, caring, not focused on self, taking
care of all our needs. He loves long walks and talks.
His
bridegroom (us) is the worst bride ever. Bridezilla they call it today. Our
focus is on us only. We are seen spitting on Him, beating Him, cursing Him and
killing Him to get Him out of our lives. Our hearts are only evil continually.
Our motives revolve around getting what we want. Every dating site today
profits from our lust for self. Even ‘Christian’ dating sites don’t ask
questions like, how will you respond when your mate leaves you for a prostitute
on your honeymoon? Or, how will you show your love for your mate while they are
beating you and humiliating you in public?
Christ did
exactly that. He showed His love by dying for the very soldiers who flogged
Him. He went through crucifixion for the apostles He called while they were
running from knowing Him. He died for us despite the fact that we show our hate
for Him daily with our lies, our disowning actions, our selfish sins.
[Philippians 2:1-11 ESV] 1
So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any
participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, 2 complete my joy by
being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one
mind. 3 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count
others more significant than yourselves. 4 Let each of you look not only to his
own interests, but also to the interests of others. 5 Have this mind among
yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, 6 who, though he was in the form of
God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7 but emptied
himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. 8
And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the
point of death, even death on a cross. 9 Therefore God has highly exalted him
and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, 10 so that at the name
of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, 11
and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the
Father.
The world
will see us as Christians when we start acting like it. We have that
opportunity every day. We can show that type of love toward our spouses even
when they are not taking care of our perceived ‘needs’. In fact, that is the
best time to show it for they and the world won’t understand what you are doing.
They will ask, how can you put up with her? Why do you stay with him? Here is
your chance to be the counselor, the disciple maker God called you to be.
I stay with
him or I put up with her because God puts up with me. God forgives me. God set
my example.
You say
wait, hold on. I am not married. This doesn’t apply to me. Not true my friend.
You have the opportunity to reach and teach other unmarrieds of this truth.
How? Live it. This will create questions among your friends. Why won’t you go
out with Freda? Why does her lifestyle bother you? Don’t you want to get
married? What are you looking for anyway?
Divorced?
You have an even better opportunity among those who know what you have been
through. Your friends will tell you to get back in the game. They will try to
match you up with friends of friends. If you see yourself as the unselfish
Christlike person in your former marriage you might want to reconsider. Look at
your life, contemplating on the verses above and see how you match up to the
perfect Groom. Has your life been completely selfless? Have all your actions
during and after the divorce been one of love toward your ex? Pray that God
will change you now so that you can now make a difference. What if your friends
and family began seeing a Christlike life in you, one that mirrors His totally
selfless acts. A life that shows Christ’s love through you to your former
spouse?
Then you
have an opportunity. Why are you being nice to him now? Why are you giving her
more child support than she asked for? You have changed. What happened? Here’s
your chance to share the work God has done in you. This is your chance to make
a difference in your children, and your children’s children.
God exalted
Jesus after He was obedient, after He went through hell. Why do we think we
deserve better? Why do we think we can bypass the hard stuff? Maybe we think we
are better than God. Notice God’s
purpose. So that, at the name of Jesus, every knee will bow, and every tongue
confess that Jesus is Lord.
Kneel now,
for the right reason.
I have
included Steve Gallagher’s Deny Yourself compliments of Chapel Library in
Pensacola .
To dig
deeper in how to live as God intended in marriage here is an article from my
friend Dr. Abercrombie of the Biblical Counseling Institute.
Thank you
for taking the time to read this. If I can help in any way please let me know.
Jeff Sutherland
Fort Morgan Ministries
fortmorganministries@gmail.com FortMorganMinistries.blogspot.com
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